Fic: Melting the Frozen Heart

Series: Book of Love

Author: Chaos

Rated: PG- ish

Summary: Dee convinces me to take up journaling

~*~*~

 

November 14, 2004

Okay, let me start out by saying I’ve never owned one of you so this is all a bit strange to me in the first place. But I guess if Dee says it helps suss out things as well as keep track of important events for her I might as well try, right?

So here it goes…

Hello, my name is Chaos Dieudonné. I’m a 393 year old fae orginally from a dimension called Moros. I came here (this mortal plane) originally for several reasons:

First I was sent to look for the lost princess of our kingdom. Little did I know that I would find her here in this world after all these years… and along with finding her, I’d find a family as well.

And the way I found all of them was from the mysterious source of energy pulling me here. But I learned that reason first- it was my sister, or ‘twin’ as some would call her- Pandora.

She looks identical to me, other than the streaks in our hair are different and her personality is very different from mine as well. She’s much more quiet and sweet than I am.

Not that I can’t be, as well. It’s just… how should I put this? Maybe she’s more open to showing her sensitive side than I am, if that makes sense?

She’s not jaded at all; never really had a chance to be, either. You see, she was wanted- asked for. When she came to live with Dee, Bear and Wolfe, they’d asked for her.

The guys wanted a little sister and Dee wanted someone to do ‘girly’ things with- ie: shopping. Then once she got here she almost instantly fell in love with Dev, our resident Love God. Hel,l they feel in love so fast that by the time I got here, two and a half months later, the ‘love birds’ were already inseparable.

And then there’s me. You see, there are several drawbacks to being as old as I am. One of them is learning others aren’t always what they seem to be, and finding out your love isn’t what he says is… or rather what you think he is.

When I was just over 200, I fell in love with another of the Royal Guards. Donavan was above me in rank, as well. We did our best to keep it quiet at first for fear of what the former king and queen might do. But as time went on- a few decades or so- more and more found out about us.

Then came the time of unease amongst the Court. At that time Donavan and I, along with many other guards, were exiled from the Court. King Demetrius and Queen Circe caught wind that Lord Adon was sending us on a search for Sidra, in addition to spying on them as well…

We were free to do whatever we wanted- show everyone just how much we loved one another. And not even a year after being exiled we were engaged and working together in the great search for the princess.

Things were wonderful, or that’s what I thought… then, not long after, I started hearing rumors that he was cheating on me with several others. At first I didn’t believe them, but one day I was convinced to cast a glamour on myself and take the place of his would-be lover.

Appalled, horrified and totally devastated, I learned that he really was cheating on me… or rather that’s what I thought at the time. Back then, what I didn’t know was that it wasn’t Donavan, it was really Kerwin .

But like I said, that was back then and it totally broke me to find out that my soon to be husband was cheating on me. We fought, I damn near killed him for betraying me, and then I left. Moved into the fortress of Oneiroi and started to concentrate on looking for Sidra.

For almost a century, that’s all I cared about. I jumped to a few other realms in which a fae could survive and searched some more… but mainly I tried to outrun the pain and forget about the betrayal.

Then one day while I was shifting through the Ether I felt this strange pull calling me to this plane. I wandered though this world for about a week- in my old world it would have been close to a month.

First I found Payne- she called me with her voice like a siren in the sea… she pointed me in the right direction and then I found Gaeth and later found out about my sister Pan.

After a little mayhem with her she brought me back to meet her family. My first impression was Dammmm… she’s got some fine looking brothers. Then I saw and met the rest of them… the other side of the family. Tis’s side… and boy let me tell you they wasn’t a non- hottie in the bunch. I was more than willing to try them all out for size.

Course, I was more than willing to try out most sexy males at that point, too…Fucking them until neither of us could walk was perfectly fine with me; just don’t get emotionally attached to anyone.

Not even ‘my’ new family. Every time they tried to get close, I ran or found an excuse to distance myself from all of them.

You see, I think my time in the frozen castle of dreams did more than just chill my pain. I think it froze my heart altogether, keeping me from hurting or dealing with what had happened.

And now that I was here… well, emotions were very hard for me to understand, much less control. It didn’t take me long to start to care for them… and I think that right there was the problem.

I DID care… I wanted to become part of their family unit just as much as they wanted me to. It took me a long time to come to accept them as my family, however. Really, it wasn’t until they included me in the plan to surprise Dee and Tis with the Courthouse that I felt like I truly belonged.

It was around that time when I started having more than just ‘flirty feelings’ towards Bear. Up until that point he was someone I’d hung out with, joked with, and just basically teased and tormented to death…

One late night when we were putting the finishing touches on the club he smiled at me… that was it. He just smiled and my knees went weak as I felt the first crack of hope dawn in my frozen heart.

Now, I have to be honest here- that scared the shit out of me… First of all, the last guy I’d loved and trusted had ripped my heart out.

Second of all, he was Dee’s mate… And before you say it, yeah, I know what Dee’s philosophy is on the whole “love goes were it goes and you just follow it” thing. I know that.

But still, I didn’t know if I could trust my feelings at that point so I hid emotionally, again. Well, at least when it came to feelings for him. I did, however, let myself become closer to all of them as a family.

Even last October when we all moved to the Bahamas with Tis’s crew, I was okay. That meant I could hang out and joke with my Sinner (Marcus) and the rest of them.

Sure, I took off every now and then just to get away, but all in all I was much more comfortable with them, even snuggling in the family bed.

But what still bothered me were the feelings I was having towards Bear, and by that point Marcus, as well. I was somewhat okay with my feelings about Grim because they weren’t as strong and were based more on friendship than love like the feelings involving the Spikes were.

It wasn’t until two things- or rather three things- started happening at once that I became unable to hide my feeling from everyone. First I started working more at the club with Bear, second I started spending more of my off time with Marcus- alone with him, no less… and third… I found my eternity.

Now. I’ve always believed in the fates. Especially when it came to others, but in February when Vamps and the rest of them came in to my life… Things changed- big time!

In just a short time we became really close. I started hanging out with her just as much as I was hanging out with Marcus… the next thing I knew, we were kissing… and then….

You see, for some reason it was easier for me to let her know how I felt about her. Much easier than I could with either of the guys, even though I’d known them longer. She soon became the love of my life… and she still is today, and always will be.

She’s my world, my love, my wife, my Mate and my everything…

While I was falling for her, I learned to trust others with my heart as well and soon I started letting Bear and Marcus in, even going so far as telling both of them I loved him… loved them….

But one of the most amazing things that’s happened to me since I came to the mortal plane was I got married, on August 20th of this year, to the love of my life.

The wedding was simply perfect. All our family was there. Pan and Ange stood up for us, Dev married us, Wolfe and Tis did the catering. Hell, we even let Sully be our ring bearer… LOL we must have been nuts. But happily crazy; that’s for sure.

Even the setting was perfect- a sunset wedding down on the beach with candles and all those little twinkling lights. We both wore white bikinis with sarongs, flowers, and little crystals and pearls in our hair.

There, in front of all of them, we proclaimed our love for one another and promised forever…

Even now, almost nine months after I met her- three months after I married her, I still can’t believe she’s mine… And I mean really Mine, too.

You see, last night we took our final step in our forever. We Mated- Eternity and Bear, Eternity and me, and even Bear and I…

The last one shocked me most of all. All the while I was falling in love with Bear, he was feeling the same way. But it took our Vamps to make us see we both cared for one another like we did.

She also showed me it was okay to be in love with more than one person at a time… And I am in love with all three of them- my Eternity, my Cuddle Bear and my Sinner…. I love all of them very, very much…

I’m starting to have feelings for others, and at first that scared me… but right now laying on the feather bed in front of the roaring fire, draped with only the fur throw as I write in you, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t be…

After all, Love isn’t such a bad thing, is it…?

‘til Later,

~Cae