Title: I Will Protect Them
Series: Learning From the Book of Love
Author: vamps
Rated: G (angsty though)

Journal entry: July 9, 2004

I know that Luc’s been writing in his journal so I decided to write in mine
as well. I just need to get this out, I need to put it somewhere so I can
shelve it and move on. So here goes.

I’m pissed off and hurt. Hurt.

I hate hurt; it never quite leaves you alone. Never quite goes away and it
taints everything like an inkblot staining linen. It’s like those bitches at
that other place, they still taint me, their little comments still hang in
my head like a bunch of cobwebs cluttering up the little space I have
inside. And now…now I have to watch my heart because we’re not “family.”
We’re not worthy of being told anything. We’re just not. I always knew I’d
bring my family nothing but heartache. I never should have asked for them. I
never should have tried to be a part of something bigger than us.

Now my Lucifer is hurt and my Anubis.

Angie and Val are supportive of us because they aren’t as attached yet. They
didn’t get the brunt of the impact so to speak, which is good cause I don’t
think either of their hearts could have taken it.

But the majority of the blame? Falls on me…I never would have encouraged Luc
to pursue his dream woman if I had known he’d be hurt. I never would have
let Anubis go either. Selfish it may seem but it’s because I can’t bear to
see their pain. I love them too much for that.

I don’t know if they hurt as much as me, but I feel like I’ve been slapped
across the face and shown the door. Like we’re dirty and unworthy. I know
it’s extreme but it’s how I feel. And trust me when I say I know which door
leads out and my foot is poised to move that direction if need be.

I don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want anything but
to be left alone and allowed to be loved for who I am and treated like I’m
as important as they are. It’s not to much to ask is it? Maybe it is.

Trust is an issue I don’t have a lot of. Trust should be earned and not
treated like it’s unimportant. Trust goes both ways and if it’s not given it
sure as hell isn’t being received. Not in my eyes, not in my heart.

I would die for my loves. I will die for them. My Lucifer, my Anubis, my
Valmont, and my Angelina. Mine. Not their’s, never ever theirs to hurt,
never ever to play with and toss away like rag dolls. I will take care of
what’s mine. I will.

 

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